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I have been inspired .. once again .. to create a blog.. maybe by Garmons blog

Anyway.. it seems blogging is something that you can let your anger, your sadness or your feelings out..

Well.. recently alot of things have been digging into my head.. creating shitness of everything. I just resigned my job.. which i dont think i will ever get again, really sad.. And for wat.. i dont fucking know.. it should have been my choice.. but its the pressure of my parents. and maybe my hsc, which to tell the truth i do not give a fucking shit about. Really.. i am going to school to wat.. see friends?or make my parents happy? not to dissapoint them?

Yes.. about school.. Since the start of year 12 everything started fucking up. reports, friends, life, and everything!.. i got 52 for english, 77 for maths, 45 for physics, 63 for music and 95 for music ext. and you know what im ranked?.. 6th last in the year.. out of 160 people?.. i am known to be a "dropkick" now.. which you fuckers say.. and you know what? i dont give a shit..
right now i have this thing stuck in my head with my parents.. I am VERY worried about dissapointing my parents with my outcome of the hsc.. i personally dont care, but my parents.. i dont want them to think i was raised a dumbshit and they both become emo or someshit. They don't think im going as bad as it is.. this stresses me out everyday.. What are they going to do after my hsc when they see my outcome? will they kick me out?, wish i never existed? i dunno..

i give up.

About a month ago, i had thoguht of running away from home, runnign away for like 20 years.. get something done with my life, or join the army or omsething, be someone new, forget all the past.. but i dont see that happening.

that brings me to friends at school.. everythings changed.. some people have just drifted off.. as that i mean.. really really close friends.. like.. it goes to the extent where we walk past eachother and we dont say hi or anything to eachother.. I dont exist in their world anymore.. I remember back in year 9 and year 10, we use to hang aroudn everyday, play basketball after school, go to all these restarants after school everyday.. is it me or what.. thats caused this change? why is it me.. am i different person now?, am i a dickhead?.. my personality?.. i got too many questions.. but it will be stuck in my head for the rest of my life.
What i also realised is some close friends act differnetly upon differnent people.. like.. if i talked to him the day bfore, all kool nd shit, then the next day at school hes with another group of people, he'll join nd act like them.

And many other people are just fuckers.. plain fuckers.. which i cannot name.. you guys need to grow up.. grow a fucking brain. this world does not 'revolve' around YOU.. you dont just tell someone to 'move your fucking seat', or 'move ur fucking stuff'.. what the fuck is wrong with you seriously..

Somedays i have daydreams.. wanting to smash the shit out of them.. or atleast throw a punch into their face to shut their foul fucking mouthes up..
i am warning now.. i will SNAP one day.

I havent been down to the basketball courts for the past month or so.. really.. its shit down there now.. people down in the passive area are much friendlier.. everyones cool with eachother, its like a family there. The basketball courts.. well there are some cool people but most are just fuckers.., they think theyre some top shit. And really.. all i see is people swearing at eachother.. It just doesnt work down there for me..

Why can't everything be what it use to be.. year 7.. or even like year 1 or wateva.. the joys of running around.. playing soccer or climbing mokey bars or wateva.. look at now.. everything has changed.. i dont see myself in this world now. mainly because of how friends are treating me now days.. and school work..

so yea.. now.. i sit here.. confused.. dont know whats happening.. what my future will be.. what my future firends will be.. and what i will be like in 20 years time.

I also wonder, what it would have been like if i started hanging with a different group of people from year 7... Would i be someone different?, would i be where i am now?
these mysteries..

good night,

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