sixty something.

well what a hectic week its been.
im glad and dissapointed at the same time.

recounts:
monday.. - well, basically.. chilled at home..
went city with nics in the arvo.. nd thats basically it
tuesday.. - woke up at 5AM and met with bill/stephen nd kelvin to go paintball
fekk it was preh good, painful though lol
got shot in liek a 1m range.. and i have this huge bruise, which is also scarred.. and it was bleeding on the day
argh
and i have shit all over my back! lol
anyway, afte rpaintball .. the guys drove back, and stopped at maccas.. where these white boys in BMW's wanted to start shit with us..
just as chris was about to do something.. they drove themselves off..
lol! .

then headed back..

and a little incident.. where john hit the back of chris's car accidentally
it was kinda weird.. and was a lil worried for both of them
lucky it was a red light and they all reacted
and it was a small dent, so it was alrite

went pho for lunch .. then met up with everyone else at the city to play cod5..
had jap for dinner (OMG it was so good) and then went home.
preh kool day

wednesday.. - well the HSC results day..
got my results 6AM texted to my phone
i loled and went back to sleep
estimated the UAI to be _ _ . _ _
i prefer not to type it
anyway.. i was preh cut
then went back to sleep
after that.. met up with seano and went to ushans house
preh kool bbq! :D
played some wii/bball/poker/ps2
chilled out
and after.. went to the city to
'susan's' party.. (just popped up).. @ norita

preh kool
unlimited alcohol.. nd never been to a place with so many smokers
like every 5 ppl 4 smoked
and there were more girls that smoked that guys
so strange
it was preh kool.. i got a lil off with the alco later in the night

i guess that night took my mind off my results :)
after getting kicked out at 2am.. we went darling harbour and slept/chilled there
fuken hobos i swear LOL.
harbourside.. 9 ppl just lying down there sleeping
the security came and woke us up..but went to sleep again
preh awesome night

richard was gold..
drunk and vomited his whole kebab onto the table at norita
sooooo gross..
and yea.. he was gone that night

after that.. we basically went back home at 6AM.. ready for the 'upcoming day'
thursday.. - so i slept when i got home.. at about 6:30.. and woke up at 11.. bcz ryan nd jared came over..
we chilled and played some guitar
and at night, went to desmonds dinner/18th party.
that was preh kool
"brazillian food"
interesting
then walked to this other place and had gelato
basically was a good night..

atm.. so damn tired
i received my final UAI today
cut to the max, and now finidng alternates
im disappointed, and my parents are too
but i am glad this year is over, and will look at starting something new

ill be copying something from garmons blog, because it is representing my exact feeling:

"For 12 years I've dreamt of success and something more. And although in the later years my expectations dropped a little I still retained a sense of hope. It took two seconds for me to realise that truth in my potential. My dreams are unachievable and I've nowhere left to go. My UAI is terrible and I'm feeling about as low as it is. Where did it all go wrong? How did it end up like this?

They say "it's not the end of the world" and "things'll be fine" but how the fuck should they know if they did good. I honestly expected much more from myself. Was I not committed enough? I tried, god knows I did but from what my results say it was obviously wasn't enough. I tried so hard to catch up that I didn't even understand what I was learning anymore.

So what's left for me? I didn't get into any of the courses I have a mild interest in. And if I do do something in university, it's likely I'll have little interest in it. Things are a blur and this post is so disconnected. I can't and won't enjoy my day. Perhaps it might even affect my week. I'm so happy for others. I'm envious but I'm glad they got what they got. They were rewarded for their efforts, I understand that. Congratulations to those people who got a decent score. It's disappointing to hear someone say they failed and then hear them say they got 80+. Most especially when you tell them you got a 62. And now this number here will forever be associated with my failure.

Right now, I close my eyes and imagine my whole neighbourhood, as though in every house there resides a year 12 student. And from birds' eye view I look down through their roofs. And in order they each stare at their computer screen before leaping with joy and running down to impress their parents with their UAI. This happens for about 10 houses before it gets to mine. I stare at my mark and put down the laptop before sitting on the side of my bed holding my head in my hands. And the camera moves onto the next house. Another satisfied student.

It doesn't feel like the world but it does feel like the end of my life. This is first thing in my entire life that I have ever regretted. This moment in my life I will never look back on and laugh. How I wish just to be someone else right now, anyone in this world. Just so long as I don't have to deal with the pain and anguish. Even lying in my bed trying to sleep hurts me. My chest feels heavy as if I'm about to cry but I don't. I can't. I won't." - Garmon

Thanks garmon.

awesome.

anyways outs